The one. The only

Back by popular demand

2004-12-11T05:02:08Z

Hello land of LJers. Since people keep BITCHING that I haven't updated, here you go...

Life has been hectic like crazy. I just finished my last 4n6 tournament of the semester and I have to say, that's a relief. It was at Seton Hall and I have to say a blast. It was the first time I decided to not worry about breaking and just have fun. Apparently that works because i made it to finals. Word. I'm having a lot more fun then I let myself before. School is ok. I'm not doing too great in geology so I found out so I really need to pull that up. Boys are nowhere in my life with intention of staying that way. Despite that Christmas time is the best time to fall in love. We had our forensics non-affiliated holiday party because Merideth is Jewish party tonight and it was a ball. It made me feel like home.

Home. Yeah, so apparently my brother and I don't have near enough money mustered up to go visit my family this year for Christmas. Which means no neices and nephews. No staying up all night drinking wine coolers putting the kid's presents together. No watching Justin tear through all his presents without even taking time to see what he has and Ireland slowly unwrapping each gift like it's her only one. No seeing all of them play and examine and discover the new adventures they can have with all their new toys. God, this is going to be hard. I know I am in college now and shouldn't expect to be able to see them every year, but I love those kids more than I love anything in the world. Christmas won't be Christmas without them. Maybe I'll volunteer at a soup kitchen to keep myself busy. Not that I don't love doing that anyway, but I never can because of traveling.

Well, all that is depressing so we're done with that. So finals next week anyone? How much do those suck? I'm excited to see everyone for break since I was kinda held back over Thanksgiving. Playhouse...this will be fun!! Well, Shaundi and Lauren are on their way over and the place is a dump. This post sucked but I didn't really have anything interesting to say. Ciao all.

The kind that I hate

2004-11-26T01:07:23Z

You want to break through? You want to know what it takes? Prove me wrong. Prove to me that you're not every other guy. Prove to me what I'm begging you to prove. Don't be this cookie cutter image of every other guy because it's what daddy and Hulk Hogan told you to be like. You don't have to lay your feelings out on the table in a desperate attempt to show me your "femine side." And grabbing me and forcing me to stare at you while you scream at the top of your lungs "I'm different!!" won't prove that you are. Show me. I don't ask for much. I'm a simple girl. I don't need jewlery, I don't need compliments, I don't need the moon. As a matter of fact, I don't NEED anything. I don't NEED a guy, but this is to those who wonder WHY I'm such an "unpenetratable wall." It's because every single guy I meet who I think may actually be someone who doesn't fall into a typical category of the common boy ends up proving himself otherwise. I know I have an extreme complex where everyone I meet I give way too much credit to. I think people are better than what they end up being. I had a momentary lapse in judgement today where I thought someone was actually worth giving up everything for. I thought maybe, just MAYBE, I had fallen for someone who could meet the standards. I did the screening, I gave it lots of time. I'll tell you what, guys can be amazing actors. They paint this mirror of perfection that just seems to reflect test after test after test. And at that one moment, that facade slips away and I catch a glimmer of who someone really is and BAM, there goes my hope.
So, what does it take? What is my image of this perfect prince charming? I'll tell you what...Someone who has fun, who isn't afraid to look like an idiot and focuses more on having a good time than his self-image. A guy I can talk to about nothing at all, who will sit around watching the clouds race each other and talk about whatever thought pops into their mind without fear of sounding stupid. Someone who doesn't see every girl as a walking vagina waiting to be stumbled upon (oh yea, I went there). I don't need a guy to treat my body as a temple and sit on his hands in order to be a proper boy but don't spend every second of our conversation thinking of ways to get me into bed. Have fun, be honest, I'm not going to break because you're not around. I love my life how it is but if you want to be a bigger part of that you have to respect the fact that I'm not changing my life for anyone. And you are not my priority, but you are important. A guy should be your friend, that's the essential part of boyFRIEND. But if you aren't any of this, just be real, I'll respect that more than you trying to change yourself for some girl. Even if that girl is me.
So go ahead, prove me wrong. I accept the fact that 999,999 times out of a million, I'm going to get hurt. With that in mind I have signed my emotional contract over to any guy who comes into my life. But if you're asking how you can win my heart, if you're asking how to break that wall before I put that contract on the line, then I dare you...prove me wrong.

Same script, different cast

2004-11-19T07:24:18Z

Warning: this is not one of those self-pitying depressed episodes because I'm a girl and that's my job. This is simply a wonderingment, if you will. I started to think tonight about what part I play in the neverending categories and labels branded upon all of us. In each one of the men (or boys) from my past I play a very specific role. The heart breaker, the liar, the deserter, what's your flavor? I tend to acquire this particular image that I never seem to shake. In all my relationships I feel like I'm simply playing a part. Whatever it is that I am required to be at that very moment I transform into exactly that. And then one day I wake up and realize that I've simply been doing what others want me to and I stop. I stop playing my part. I simply walk away like I'm walking off stage. I have this immense perfection complex where I feel like I need to be the "one" for everyone. That somehow, if I make that person want me, it will make me feel better about myself. Now don't get me wrong, I have no problem with myself. I have come to terms with who I am. I know who I am. More specifically who I'm not. But what I want is a whole other road. Even though there are specific things that I know I don't want or that I'm not ready for, I sometimes find myself wanting myself to want that. Kindof like I'm picking out a new character to play. The problem is that once I get tired of a role, it's simply dropped. And in that process, people get hurt. I know this is something that should not have just suddenly occured to me but in a way, it is. I never really called myself on my actions. I would realize that what I was doing was not something I actually wanted rather than something that I found interesting enough to try out. It would be something new to try, a road I hadn't traveled yet.

But if we really think about it, how bad of an idea is that? In my "travels" I've discovered a lot. I've been a lot of places. Do you need to know what you want at 18? Do you need to want something at 18?? If Mr. Right comes riding up on a valiant stead proclaiming his neverending love for me then...well, then I'm probably going to think he's kinda weird. And corny. But if a guy comes along that makes me happy, I'm not going to throw that away, but I'm also not going to sacrifice oppurtunities for someone I feel is just wasting my time. Of course, there are always risks in life and every relationship is a risk. But we forget about the lack there of. NOT being with someone is taking a chance. If being in a relationship is not what you want to do then doing what you want is a risk. Right now, I'm happy to take what comes. Instead of trying to please everyone in hopes of finding that perfect guy, I'm going to be me. Then, when I'm ready, I will find a guy who meets MY standards instead of trying to live up to yours. I am who I am. Label me as you please.

Papa can you hear me?????

2004-11-16T05:23:19Z

Hello loves! Reno 911 is the funniest f'in show in the world! Ahh, I realized today that I'm leaving for tOUrnament on Friday and don't feel even close to ready. Ugh, I hate it. I think I'm going to wake up early tomorrow and just devote the entire day working on it. That and cleaning my room. I would clean it now cause I'm so awake but Nicolle is sick and sleeping. Today was a random and filled day. I spent all morning and afternoon working on a speech I had to present at 3 which went well. Then I went to the mall with Lindsay and Nicolle which was an adventure. I got a pot-smoking jacket which looks like a mexican poncho...so hott. And a ridiculously over-priced tank top from Gap. I bought Eric a cinnamon bun from Cinnabon cause it's his birthday and I'm just that awesome. : ). When I returned I gave him his present and then wandered the halls with Shawn eating ice cream and reading everyones doors because thats what we do. Aren't we cool? This is really boring and I have nothing interesting to say at all. Oh, I cut my hair! We all listened to Green Day Saturday night (since I obviously wasn't drinking) and Sara cut my hair. This might sound like a really bad combination but it worked out. Sara was being all artistic-y and such so I thought we should go for it. I'll have to take a picture and post it. We will see what you fella's think. Well, I'm boring myself right now so I'm just going to try to sleep.

Elephant shoes!

I have fallen

2004-11-14T02:58:00Z

My long reign of queen has finally come to an end. All the playhouse parties, all the trips down the shore never touched upon last night. Nothing could prepare me for 151. I've passed out, I've cried, I've punched guys in the nuts, I've done it all. But I NEVER threw up. Until last night.

When the bottle was broken out of Mike's closet last night I knew something was happening. When the shots commenced, I refused. I was scared. Then I thought of McCarthy and how ashamed he would be of me for being scared of a little alchohol. So I started out with half shots and worked my way up. It wasn't even about getting drunk, that was irrelecvant to me. All I cared about was being able to take a shot of 151 with a straight face. Well I did it damnit. By the last shot, I took 'em like they were nothing. Then Chris brought in Jack and of course compared to the 151, it was juice. So add some of that in there. Memory ends.

I wake up this morning with no recollection of Friday at all. When I say this, I mean that I started getting ready for my class because in my mind Friday ceased to exist. Once I noticed Nicolle wasn't around and that I had worn jeans and a tank top to bed, things started to dawn on me. The longest shower of my life ensued followed by me trying to find someone awake to tell me what had happened to me although it's 8 am on a Saturday so noones around. At 10 I head up to Mike and Edison's room to thank them. They fill me in on the missing memory which was that after my billionth shot I just sorta passed out and Chris put me on Edison's bed. They leave for 5 minutes and come back and I had fallen off the bed. Cue me puking. Mike, who is now my favorate human being in the entire universe, carried me down to my room. God bless him and God bless the insane luck that no RA's happened to be on the 4th or 2nd floor. He nursed me and put me to bed and continued to check on me through the night. My love for him exceeds the skies. They also told me about Adrienne's fight and Teddy getting arrested.

Which brings me to the point that I love my friends. The guys here are honestly the best people in the world. I've never felt so safe and protected. And yes Dan, I say this everytime I'm drunk, but I'll say it when I'm sober. I love you guys. And Mike and Edison...I'm sorry for getting sick on your carpet. You two are my saviors.

But yes, it finally happened. Up until 6 o'clock I refused to leave my bed as people stopped in to check on me and Sara drew "animals" while I passed out. Then Chris made me go to dinner and I feel a thousand times better. I'm never drinking again. Conner bets a week. Plus I talked to someone on the phone for an hour and a half and he made me forget I was sick : ). Love of my life.

The heart may freeze or it can burn. The pain can ease but I can learn. There is no future, there is no past. I live this moment as my last. There's only us, there's only this. Forget regret or life is yours to miss. No other road, no other way, no day but today. There's only us, only tonight. We must let go to know what's right. No other course, no other way. No day but today. I can't control my destiny. I trust my soul my only goal is just to be. There's only now, there's only here. Give in to love or live in fear. No other path, no other way, no day but today.

If only I could follow that...: )

I think about the good times we had and why they had to end.

2004-11-12T17:54:21Z

What's poppin like tags pimpin? Oh yes...Nicolle's boyfriend is teaching me to be a thug. Word. Thirsty Thursday indeed. Vodka pong. That's a new one. So me and Jackie go to this kid Dan's room on the 6th floor to take a "few shots" as it started out. A few shots turned into a game of vodka pong in which Jackie drank ONE cup. Wonderful. Me = plastered. It was fun. I talked to Jenn on the phone which I will admit is a little blurry. I caught her up on my life which I apoligize for Jenny. I know, it's a lot to take in. After that, I drank a little more and after that things are a little more blurry. I know I got a huge self esteem boost from an ex-boyfriend. Nice, I like to please. : D. Then I think I made a drunken phone call to someone who did NOT want to be called. Drama, I hate it. I don't think he picked up but I believe a rambling voicemail ensued. This should be interesting. I just want things solved. The ball is in his court now. There's nothing I can do. If he wants to hate me or kill me...sobeit.

Fuck, my drying rack just fell. Damnit, there goes all my clothes...I must save them! Oh no, not the corderoys!

Whew, that was close...anyway, yea, I smell trouble...story of my life. Yesterday was a random day of being in the 4n6 office all day. Not productive in the least. Although we did work on me being very horny...hmmm scandelous.

People need to stop trying to get me out of my room when it's cloudy outside...it's not happening peeps. I'm enjoying my sweats and my Ramen noodles right now. Holla back. Teddy just informed me that we are drinking moonshine tonight. I love it! Have a good weekend everyone...be safe and stay away from windows!!

Disregard this

2004-11-09T05:18:19Z

A few things I will say back to you...

You're making me regret our time spent together. I had fun and when all was said and done I walked away with content. Sure, things happen, relationships end, but it's all about how you handle it. Apparently, you were born without that kind of maturity. Maybe I could've stuck around longer to try to be your friend if every second I talked to you didn't feel like a campaign for a relationship. Why don't you try to be my friend instead of acting like a fucking salesman over dinner time who can't grasp the concept of "NO." I'm sorry for what happened. I'm sorry that things happened the way they did. It was a confusing, self-destructing time for me but I make no excuse. I was fucked up. I know this. But so did you. I couldn't haven't spelt it out clearer in every mind numbing emotionally draining ten hour discussion we had every single day. I warned you that I wouldn't stick around. You took that chance and that is NOT my fault. When you get down to it, getting real technical, I was responsible for one week. And that week, I was an angel. Beyond that, I hold no responsibilities and today, I am not the one pushing you away. You pushed me away a long time ago. I guess you're somehow lost on the concept that the phone works both ways. I will admit that my phone calls are few and far between but honestly, the pope could call me and I MIGHT get back to him in a few weeks. Obviously, the pope is ahead of you in line. But if you did call, I wouldn't ignore you or avoid you. I would talk to you like a civil human being because that is what normal people do. Normal people don't leave little hate lines in their away messages because they're bitter towards a girl who "broke their heart." I've run out of breath talking to you about our relationship. If you hate me now, I have nothing left to say. I love how you can curse me and damn me to hell for not showering you with my love and affection. Did you ever think that maybe you hurt me? Did that thought ever enter your mind? If you decide to grow up anytime soon, let me know. I would be ecstatic to see the transformation.

Insert emo lyrics here.

When everythings meant to be broken, I just want you to know who I am

2004-11-08T17:27:04Z

Ok, so crazy weekend. I had my second forensics tournament this weekend and it was a really great time. Sean, you really freaked me out last night. I don't know how Sam could've "heard around school" but that is pretty cool. Anyway, I ended up placing 2nd at the tournament which I definetely didn't expect at all. I was ecstatic just to break finals! I didn't feel like I did my best though. Hopefully at NYU I can do better. Not with placing cause that was probably a flook but just with being content with my performance. I was so proud of our team. Out of only 6 of us going, 5 came home with trophies. The tournament was a great time and I love my team. They are all such unique people. NYU is going to rock with everyone being there.

Random: So I noticed that no matter what people's first impression of me, I want to prove them wrong. Not saying that if they think that I'm nice I'm going to act like a bitch but people are always quick to make judgements. As hard as I try, I do it too. I hate it and do everything in my power to stop it although it happens at times. But when it comes to me, I feel like before I even say one word to someone, I'm already working to reverse a bad judgement. Maybe it's my imagination but I doubt it. I've been told many times that I'm not what people thought I would be like. As the third floor boys put it..."you know, it's funny how Nikki comes off as a complete airhead but she's actually a really cool, intelligent girl." I don't know if that's a compliment or not. I know there is nothing I can really do to prevent that, but it's so frustrating just trying to get myself out there. But maybe I have to find out exactly what that is first. I mean, I know who I am but I don't know how exactly I want people to perceive me. I know that I'm weird and yea, I can be incredibly ditzy and am a HORRIBLE speller but I'm not stupid. I'm such a kid at heart but I don't think I'm immature. Yea, I love Disney movies and yes I have animal plates as a border in my dorm but I'm responsible and logical and I can hold an intelligent conversation. I have a good average but I'm definetely not a brain. I love to talk about my dreams and politics and religion but I also love talking for hours about nothing at all, about movies and guys and stupid things that don't mean anything to anyone except the people holding the conversation. I work hard but I have fun. I have a lot of fun. I drink and do other things but I don't waste my life away on it. I'm hopeful but not naive. And yea, I do put up an "unpenetratable wall" but every once in awhile, it is penetrated. I'm a hopeless romantic but a realist. I'm not in poverty but I'm far from spoiled. As much as I try to put on the whole confident act I'm as self-conscience as they come. I can't ever be satisfied with myself but I'm not going to whine over being better. I'm a people pleaser but I'm not fake. And I'm NEVER that girl. I guess I'm just a gigantic moderation of every extreme. Does that make me average? God, I hope not.

What's with you and the way you make me feel?

2004-11-03T06:14:21Z

I LOVE EASY MAC!! I can honestly say that I have learned NOTHING more important thus far over the course of my college experience than the development of being able to cook easy mac.(that sentence made no sense) Anyone who knew me before knows that i hated easy mac with the fire in my heart but now I feel like it's my best friend. I could always make the regular mac but the easy mac would always get messed up. So I would get pissed and place a hex upon his household. We had a very rocky relationship me and the easy mac. Then one day, Liz made me easy mac in the pink house and it was amazing. It opened my eyes to a whole new world of mac. Still, whenever I tried, my attempts at making the perfect easy mac were shot down time after time. Now this was a new situation. I knew it wasn't the easy mac's fault. Liz had made a perfectly good serving of easy mac. We all know I'm not the greatest cook after the whole microwave, popcorn, fire incident but surely I could cook easy mac! My 5 year old neice shunned me after I screwed up her easy mac that SHE knew how to make. I've never seen a child look so ashamed after being smarter than her aunt. Anyways, I venture off to lil ol' West Chester where I know that I'm out in the world alone now. I know that I won't have pots and a stove to cook my beloved mac and cheese. So my road to learning begins. After many lessons and many failed attempts, I finally got the hang of it. It was like that moment when you first got going on your bike without training wheels. When you could feel your dad's hands release off the back of your seat. It was so exilerating. Now, me and easy mac share one of the most important relationships in my life. If I could love a person like I love easy mac, I could marry them tomorrow. I love easy mac.

Sean is back!! I love you Seanathon and miss you insanely. Guys, we are going to have sooo much fun over Thanksgiving. Non-stop hanging out and infamous "play parties." We better go to New York over Christmas break so me and Sean can fall in the middle of the sidewalk and me, Lauren, and Alex can be rich people from California. I can't drink good ol' Vladdy with anyone but you guys! You're amazing!

This election is the most nervewrecking thing in the world. We chilled in my room and basically stared at the tv all night. People are yelling out their windows and the girl next door to me started screaming when Kerry got PA. Let's hope for the best...

Sorry for the stressed out post earlier. This whole "thinking before I act" thing is new to me. But Jenn thinks I'm doing the right thing and that is all that matters. Haha, Jenn governs my life.

I'm incredibly tired right now and Wednesdays are my crazy day. I took a nice long nap earlier. That was sweet.

Good night all...Elephant shoes!

P.S. Don't you love butterflies in your stomach?

And if I hurt you then I'm sorry, please don't think that this was easy...

2004-11-01T06:22:21Z

How are you wonderful people doing this evening? It is halloween...I am watching Resident Evil right now but I'm not going to lie...I don't really know what is going on. What I am catching is pretty crazy though. WTF, this guy got like chomped out of. So tonight was crazy. Shawn got kidnapped by her ex-boyfriend and we have yet to see her. Jackie called me and we went nutso trying to find her and called her a butt hole of times but they must've been talking for a real long time. It's crazy. I am SOOO tired. Me, Teddy, Rob, Linsay, and Jackie went for a peace walk today and I gotta say, I'm a good amount of messed up right now. The whole time I was kinda ....whoa, Michelle Rodreigez is turning into a fucking zombie, o my god they gotta kill her! This is messed up man! Wow, ok that works. I'm not gonna tell you guys what happened its scary. I need sleep....P.S. I love McCarthy

I <3 my playhouse

2004-10-31T08:09:33Z

Guys, all of you, especially playhouse,

I need to tell you guys something. Something I've learned over this whole college experience about myself is my "comfort zone." Like, I've always been able to be comfortable around people and all. I never had a problem talking to strangers or getting to know people. But there is a HUGE difference between that and being completely comfortable around someone. Like, around here I feel like every relationship I have could end at any moment. Not that I don't love my friends here cause I do but I feel as though I haven't been in their life long enough for them to miss me if I wasn't there. But anyway, what I mean by this is that playhouse...I have never felt so in tune and relaxed with peopl in my life. You guys are my soul. We have all been through so much together that I feel like nothing could tear us apart. And no matter what distance or time or the entrance of new friends would matter because as soon as we're together it's like time ceased to exist. All the parties we had over the end of senior year brought us together so much. Basically any type of embarresing moment that would bring people closer happened between us. With each other there's no such thing as a comfort zone. For my birthday, I have never felt so loved. You guys made me feel so great and I have never had a better birthday. I love all of you so much. I can't believe I could be so lucky as to have amazing people like you in my lives. Good night, I love you

Nikki is a pirate!!!! ~~> note Nicolle displayed on my door

2004-10-30T09:26:58Z

Yes it is 5 in the mornign. Yes, I am drunk. Fuck spellcheck! I'm proud of my mistakes rright now. This day was insane beyond any means of communicating. I went to see The Village last night instead of doing my schizophrenia speech like I shoulda been, but I got hom around 2 and went to bed around 3. Today I woke up at 8 and panic attacked till around 3 when I finally gave my speech which went surprisingly well. For some reason I was so NOT in the mood to go to work so I decided to take a little bit of happiness along with a side of 5 shots of 99 berries. Then I filled a water bottle half full of it and proceeeded to drink that over the course of the hours I was at work. I returned around 10:30 (very drunk) to find Nicolle did my clothes and cleaned my side of the room. Shes so sweet, she knew how stressed out I've been. I love her. Then I got to fullfill my life long dream. I was a pirate!! The costume my mom made is so awesome and Nicolle did my hair! It was so cute! I loved it. I took tons of pictures and began to talk in my crazy pirate voice. It was freaking amazing!!! I love pirates!!!!! I am a pirate!!! Since Sean and Jackie don't know how to fend for themselves, I decided we were going to walk around Walnut to find some parties. Well, we did just that and ended up having an insane amount of fun. We ended up going to some apartment with some really cool guys and me and Jackie schooled in pong. I made all except one shot...that dreaded last one...damn that cup to hell! Anyway, along with a few beer pong tournaments, some jello shots, a few trips to kegs, and my already drunken state, we were all pretty damn drunk. I will admit that this was the closest I ever got to puking, although I was a trooper and still held out...GO ME!! Anyway, I ended up getting mad at Jackie and Shawn and losing my shoe in a creek. This is upsetting. I LOVED that show. THe search for the shoe begins tomorrow, I'm keeping hope alive! So I start stomping home, mad about particular things and the fact that I lost my favorate shoe in the POURING rain with Jackie and Shawn chasing after me screaming my name. In the midst of this, Tommy calls so I start heading to Tyson. Jackie kidnapps me into Anton's car where we "talk." THen I finally headed to Tyson, still drunk mind you, and chilled with Tommy for quite a bit. After this, around 3:30 I call Jackie to make sure she's safe and we end up eating Ramen noodles in her room talking about how much guys suck sometimes. I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty wasted God it's late. Tomorrow is going to be even better. I love these nights. I love you guys!!! GOd, I'm tired. UI'm going to bed. BYE!!!

When moments become memories

2004-09-30T20:00:18Z

Being drunk is like a Quentin Tarantino movie. It always starts at the end, the next day. That moment when you wake up and start taking steps backwards. Then at some point things go out of order. Let's jump to the beginning. You think of that first drink poured and wonder where it got out of hand. One drink, two drinks, four, seven...Jesus, what was I thinking? That last drink is always the most memorable. You swallow it like it's water and from that second everything gets a little hazy. Conversations broken, fragments of memory missing. As your "following day" goes on little clips of the previous night pop into your brain like subliminal pornography in a movie reel. Still, nothing is sequential. You have to build memory from the fragments you have. Somehow I am suddenly downstairs. I assume I walk there. Your brain has limited memory storage and I for one am pleased that mine is not wasted on the boredom of walking. What I do remember is the most important things any way. The ice cold water they dumped on me, punching Rob in the balls several times, Jackie's nipple ring, holding a boys hand, and smoking my long awaited Marbarlo Menthol Light. Memory in a hangover is like watching a movie in your head and screaming at the screen "What are you doing???"

My life is one giant hangover. That hilarious second when you wake up, look around, and wonder what in the hell did I do?? It hits you like a wave. My life is full of forgetting what I'm doing and doing things that continually surprise me. This is what I live for. If you ask me what I like about myself my answer will be that I like my ability to keep myself on my toes. I hate being bored. Some call me complicated. Some say it's immature. Others tell me I can't commit. I say I amuse myself and that is what keeps me happy. Fuck being mature. Fuck commiting. Here's to excitement. Here's to acting my age.

Lifes more painless- for the brainless

2004-09-27T21:27:03Z

Hello darlings! This is me trying to recover from my horrible mood. I will do so by reminicing the weekend...

Friday I went to see Liz which I was insanely happy about. I also got to see my Nessa (O Nessa...), Alex, Lauren, Chris, and Catie. We talked about how we're going to be alchoholic parents and lock our kids in the basement. Except me of course because I'll never grow up that much. I'm just going to be the crazy aunt with the trash bag full of marshmellows. I got to see Mr. George Green and was greeted with the most entuisiastic greeting of my life. How I adore him. I missed Elizabeth and still incredibly do. However, Something Corporate is going to rock our lives on Saturday and it will be the best day ever. Following that I'm hitting up the Phillies game with some old pals from work. Can you say an all day drinkathon? Holla at that. Saturday I saw Wicked and was amazed at the amazing amazment that was Wicked. And who the hell was sitting only 5 rows in front of me (because my seats were so amazing Jesus would've gotten them)??? Some of you know him as Stewey, some as Stewart, some as Mad TV's sensation "look what I can do!" man. MICHAEL MCDONALD!

Look at him. Go ahead, look at him. I could've thrown my shoe at him from my distance. Screw that, I could've kicked him. Stewey!! Fucking amazing! I was so excited! We didn't talk but there was definite eye-contact. I'm expecting several love letters any day now. The show was simply put, mind boggling. I recommend it to everyone who has ever seen Wizard of Oz. It puts such a trippy spin on it, it's insane. Hanging out with Pat was...nice. I don't really know how to describe it. We got along great and everything but things are still weird. I acted normal and everything and my own stupid self but I never think that helps. It's kindof a lose-lose situation. I miss being his friend. Back in the day when things weren't so awkward between us. I know they will never be that way again. I feel like such a horrible person. He's such an amazing guy but now he's changed so much. Or maybe he's always been like this but for that short period of time I changed that. Either way, he's how he is now because of me. I can't keep feeling the way I do about it though. Maybe he would be better if I didn't exist. Maybe I'll stop existing...

Anycrap, Sunday was a monumental day. I held in my hand the power of a revolution. Of a day when no worries came, no object looked over, no outfit unbought. I held in my hands my very first credit card. Plastic never felt so good. Well...there was that one time...ha, that was nice, hmmm, he was cute. Oh, anyway, credit card! Awesome! And what did I buy as my very first big girl purchase? Taking Back Sunday tickets. Wooo! Wicked, Something Corporate, TBS. I'm on a roll of amazing events.

Today was tedious. I had a short period of time where I thought I was going to die alone and a failure. I miss theatre, I miss the city. I miss having people bump into me from all directions. Having so much around you but not a dime to do any of it! I miss the busy-ness, the trash, the adrenaline rush of it all. I miss Footloose and Life is a Cabaret. I miss nervous breakdowns and quick changes. I miss rushing out on stage. I miss trying to keep a straight face when I realized someone messed up. I miss messing up! I miss Aunt Lulu and Tollhouse Squares and yelling at a funeral! Lol, I'm so weird. Anyway, during this freakout time I talked to Liz and she made me feel a hundred times better. This whole new atmosphere is good for me. It's a new experience and I have my whole life to get my fill of the city. And believe me, I will.

Haha, I just wrote MadTV an email. Observe...

Hey! I'm a huge fan! I was at the show of WICKED on September 25 and was sitting 5 rows back from your one and only Mike McDonald. It made my life! He's always been able to make me die laughing. I've told everyone I know that I saw him. it's somewhat pathetic. In my opinion there was a definite chemistry between us. I didn't want to declare my love because he was with a lady friend, a cousin I'm hoping. Just kidding, don't think I'm a freaky stalker chick. Anycrap, I just wanted to express my excitement at seeing one of your cast members. Anytime you want to send anymore my way feel free. Maybe I can be on your show and have Jennifer Laura Thompson impersonate me. Keep up the great work and tell Mike I said hi (I like to believe we are on a first name basis now).

I'm such a loser. Lol.

Toodles lovers!

Know my name

2004-09-22T04:41:08Z

Ahhh! What am I doing right now? Diddly squat! And I love it! I have not sat down in my room ALL day. Jesus, I had 3 meetings plus a two hour class and a lab. I still didn't go over to work study and my moms going to crucify me if I don't do it soon. Eh, another thing to add to the "to do" list tomorrow. This week is insignificant anyways. Why?? Because this weekend is going to rock like nothing has rocked before. It's going to be the second coming of christ. Oh yea, I went there. The weekend will start on Thursday where who knows what will go down but it's always amazing. Then the real party starts. Friday September 24 I will be reunited with my beloved play house. I miss you guys so much!! Especailly my Elizabeth and Nessa. There is going to be many crazy reenactments of RENT, Footloose, and Wicked might make an appearance for me and Sean. I better get my U of P shot glass to add to my party college collection. Lehigh must get on that list shortly to. After my highly intoxicated night I will pick my boy Mike up then Mr. Kelly and head on up to the big apple to see WICKED!!! Plus, Pat is treating me to dinner. I have not had a real meal in a month. Praise Jahova.

You guys would be real proud of me...I joined Habitat for Humanity tonight. I'm so excited, we get to sleep outside in a box! It's supposed to be an educational experience. Cool deal. I'm really starting to get my self discipline into check. I stayed in tonight despite an invitation to an awesome party. I know Wednesdays are the worst for me. I think now that I know a lot of people and am starting to get very comfortable here I don't feel I need to work so hard to meet people. I've made a very significant amount of friends that I feel really close with. I was talking to my beloved Jennifer tonight and we discussed how weird it is in this situation. As much fun as I've been having here it always kindof makes me sad that I don't have anyone here that KNOWS me. Jenn knows me like noone else. I turn to her for comfort when I have no idea why I'm doing what I'm doing. Or to psycho-analyze someone I'm not quite understanding. Here, people know the basics of me but theres noone I can turn to and without words tell them exactly how I feel. When I call Jenn up freaking out over another dramatic occurence, I can literally HEAR Jenn smile and think to herself that's my Nikki. Playhouse does the same thing! I remember practically having group meetings when someone had a problem! Getting drunk, causing drama, and fixing it together was part of our normal routine. You guys rock. I know that being here, I'm going to grow close with certain people but I also know that nothing can replace those bonds I made in high school. Or for some people, the summer that followed. Noone can ever compare to my best friends...all of them. Whoever says you can't have more than one is crazy. Because all of my friends are the best. I can turn to any of them at any point for anything and would kill anyone who hurt them. I love you kids! That includes anyone whos reading this because if your on my "friends" list you're absolutely important to me! I don't know why I'm so full of love tonight. I swear I'm only high on life! Well I'm going to watch cartoons and eat some popcorn. Elephant shoes to all of you!!!!

E-A-G-L-E-S, EAGLES!!!!

2004-09-21T00:49:56Z

Best friggin weekend ever! Well, by weekend, I mean Saturday. By far the greatest party that has ever existed. Around 11 I was pretty content on the fact that I would staying in having a very chill night. I should've known by now that this town doesn't get hoppin till pretty late. My buddy Tommy calls me and invites me to his friend Chuck's frat house for a black light white t shirt party. This was something new. I grabbed Nicolle and Carrie and headed over. Within the first 2 minutes I had my mind set on the fact that I was getting completely trashed. And boy, is that what I did. 3 beers in 10 minutes and I was pretty highly intoxicated. I'm not that much of a light weight so I kept a steady stream throughout the night. I should really start counting. 3 hours later I'm completely gone and covered in black light paint. Cue the drunken phone calls. Now, this is where things start to get a little blurry. From what I know I called Simmons twice and McCarthy once. What I said, God only knows but apparently McCarthy was too intoxicated and lost to talk. So was I buddy, so was I. This is where me and Tommy head back to Tyson and he starts ranting about how great of friends we are and how he loves me. I love that boy. In his hall I asked some random kids if it would be ok if I used the mens bathroom. Why the womens bathroom wasn't good enough for me I have no idea. After much help from Joe, Cay, and Zach (yes, he looks like Zach Morris. It's amazing) we got drunken Tommy into bed. Walking back to my hall completely smashed and alone was quite an adventure. Don't get me wrong, Tyson is right next to Goshen, maybe 100 yards away. Somehow along this short endeavor I manage to fall in mud...5 times. So here I am completely covered in body paint and mud at 4 o'clock in the morning trying to look inconspicuous as I walk past security. Somehow I made it past. During my celebration up the stairs I run into my RA and undergo tons of questioning. Hmmm, not good. Why do I have mud all over me??? Um, I fell? Why are there numerous handprints on my boobs?? The shirt came that way?? Again, I made it past. After that I sat in the lobby for an hour talking to a couple guys and having a good laugh at my expense. Whatever, it was insane and fun! Jackie and Shawn were so pissed they missed such an amazing party. I'm pissed to because as fun as it was it would have been even more so with them here. I hope they don't go to too many good ones while I'm gone this weekend. Oh, by the by...I will be back in Philly this weekend kiddos! Saturday I will adventuring off to New York to see WICKED (!!!!!) but other than that...I would like to see as many people as possible because god knows I don't come home very often. Hit me up! Especially if you are in the downtown area. Well I am going to go upstairs with my boys to go watch the Eagles kick ass once again. WOOO!!!

dazednkonfused @ 2004-09-18T19:21:00

2004-09-18T23:34:32Z

I know that this is really random and makes no sense but I love my friends and just had to post something. I have been feeling kinda shitty the past two days about myself in general. I stumbled across this card today that one of my best friends in the world gave me. Although it was meant for me, I think it aplies to everyone and would like to share.

As you move on to become a big girl and ship out to college, I have a few wishes for you:

That the "perfect beach breeze" will never become too dorky to mention, and that you never lose your love of everyone's attention. That you may always be the girl who humps people's legs and encourages wearing no underwear and has strange cravings for eggs. May your friends never be far away enough to miss, and may all your perfect nights end with a perfect goodnight kiss. That you may never stop searching for your very own prince charming no matter how many frogs get in your way. Then again, knowing you- prince charming will end up being "too nice" for you anyway! So instead, I wish you happiness with every step you take, no matter which way the road goes, whatever decisions you make. That your life may be full of moments you won't forget and that nothing that happens will become worthy of regret. May your dreams be big and your success even greater. And may you find patience within yourself when things don't happen sooner then later. And on that fun and interesting journey, wherever your road might go...no matter how far away you get, I hope you'll always know...

That I'll always be here to make the journey a little more entertaining.

I say this to all of you...

Random I know...I love you guys.

I dream in the thoughts of you thinking of me...

2004-09-17T15:28:07Z

Hello loves! Can we say hungover?? It's 10:35 and my roomates boyfriend is here so sleep is out of the question. Last night was clutch. I ended up at the same house I lost my cell phone last week. I had a few flash backs but held on to my new celly very tight. I got a little sloshed and mingled quite a bit. I met so many new cool people. My number was given out a lot because I didn't want to end up with nothing to do this weekend. I'm expecting many phone calls from people I don't know. Isn't that the most awkward thing in the world?? The plans for the weekend are somewhat hazy. Rob has been bummed out recently so I promised him that we would hang out and take many walks. I think we are the extent of Goshen residents staying this weekend. O well, we will have a blast. Hopefully a party will show up and we can head to one.

So I met this guy Alex last night. Hmmm, do you smell that? It's trouble. I talked to him a lot last night and we flirted and whatnot. It was fun. When the end of the night came a little good night kiss was rewarded. Little, I promise...along with my number. However, when I went to say goodbye to some kid Anthony (who I barely talked to by the way) I come to find out that this is Alex's roomate. Apparently he got pissed because he was trying to get his mack on with me. Oops. Thats a Nikki-ism. I believe that the wingman rules are that if the guy can't hold on to her the wingman has free range. No really, there's a book on it. Me and Johnny TP downloaded it and read it. It's pretty funny. Anycrap, Anthony ended up calling me 3 times after I left last night...kinda spooky.

Once I got home last night I had to deal with my roomate and her boyfriend duking it out like no other. It's a long story but they were fighting till 3 in the morning. If that's not a lullaby I don't know what is.

Looking to my left, I see the most gorgeous human being to walk the earth. And he's dressed as a pirate. That's right the one and only (unless you want to count Simmons) Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow. I bought it for myself. He's so pretty...

Well, I am going to attempt to catch some Z's...wish me luck.

Forgeting you

2004-09-15T18:33:14Z

Ahhhh! Up till Friday my life at West Chester basically consisted of partying and meeting new people. Easy as pie. And now? Holy crap, theres work to do! I've been swamped with meetings and assignments. I've been to 3 classes already and I have another in a half hour. Then I come home with enough time to shower and I'm out again. I'm hoping to get my party on tonight because last night I played it low key. We can never have more than one night in a row of doing nothing! Monday me and the girls headed out to some apartment on south campus. We played a couple of fun ass drinking games and got pretty sloshed. Then, they brought out the Huka (s/p?). Now I mean no offense to the "huka" at the pink house but this thing was AMAZING. It was a ceramic frog with eyes that popped out of its head! We completely baked out the bathroom and kept laughing at this stupid bear that sang a crazy Christmas song. Fun times, fun times. Once we got home (don't remember the trip?) I went upstairs to talk to Alex and Rob. Somehow fish got brought up and Alex started making a fish face...this freaked me out. Before I knew it, Rob, Matt, Mike, and Dan were all chasing me down the hall making fish faces. This soon led to me wigging out and in tears. HAHA. People should not mess with me when I am in that condition. It's Bad news. This reminded me of my birthday when McCarthy led me to believe I was getting meningitis...that was a good day....I love McCarthy.

By the way, I got a cell phone!! Mini celebration (cue dance music)....Ok, we're done. I had a short period of depression yesterday because I realized how amazing my old phone was and was scared that it's alone out there somewhere in the world. It's probably being stripped and sold for parts...moment of silence...anycrap, give me your numbers! I don't have anyones unless you have given it to me in the last day. I promise I won't stalk you.

Well, I'm busy as crappers and leaving in a short time...I think I might go stare into space for a little bit. CALL ME, I can receive your calls now! And certain people best give me some drunken phone calls this weekend! You know who you are. Except you...yeah, don't call me. You suck.

Thug fo' life

This makes sense to those who know...

2004-09-07T06:02:33Z

I should be studying...I have so much to read, its ridiculous. I still haven't read the material from last week. I swear I'm not going to go to bed until I have though. I promise. I don't have class till 2 but I'm going to lunch with Jackie around 12. That'll be fun, I haven't seen her all weekend. Today was another relaxing day. I have a new theory that if the sun isn't up I shouldn't be either. I laid around a lot until civilians started to reapear around campus. I felt like I had been hidden in the wilderness for years and finally saw the first human being in ages. I called my dad because I realized I had never told him about Boondock Saints. Being the crazy irishman that he is, he'll love it. Me and Alex canoodled for a few hours and watched Freddy got Fingered which is the craziest fucking movie ever. I can't imagine Tom Green going up to the people setting up and being like "Yea, so in this scene I'm going to slice open an elk and drape him over my body...can I get some more face powder over here?" I want to marry that man. The best part of my night was I had a wonderful conversation with a friend whom I love. They're the best and make me realize how great of friends I have. ; )

A lot of people need this, it's the only answer I have...

You know what sucks? Life. Not being mellodramatic or anything...it just does. There are just some situations that you look at and say you know what, that sucks. Theres no explanation or reason, no excuse or apology. Shit seriously happens. You can do everything right, plan everything perfectly, make no fault or fumble, and something just goes and f*s it all up. I never know what to say in those situations. A friend will come to me with a problem and I'll really put myself in their shoes and just be lost. I'm so used to being handed a problem and being able to lay out a plan of action. But every once in a while you face something that has no answer. There's nothing you can do to solve it, no direct course to take. I can say I've been there before, I can say I know EXACTLY how they feel. And in saying all that, all I'm saying is nothing can be said. All you can do is cross your fingers, hold your breath, and wait it out. I know the cliche "time heals all" sounds like a bunch of bullcrap even to me, but in the hell hole situations I've found myself that I didn't have a clear solution, time was all I had. I didn't do anything that MADE me better. I tried, believe me I tried. You try to forget, you try to push it away. I've tried drinking beyond comprehension. I tried laughing so I didn't cry. None of that ever works. You go second by second and hope that each progressive moment won't be as hard as the last. Sometimes it's not, sometimes it is. In those crappy times I would one day wake up and realize that while I was busy trying to forget, I healed. I wasn't hurt as much as before. It took a lot, and it was never easy, but it slowly but surely fixed itself. In any obstacle I face I find comfort in knowing that I (you) can make it through. No matter what happens you just have to look towards that one day when it won't hurt so bad. When they don't hurt you so bad.

I know much more than I did back then- But the more I learn, the more I can't understand- And I've become content with this life that I lead- Where I drink too much and don't believe in much of anything- And I lie to myself and say it's for the best- We're moving forward but holding ourselves back- And we're waiting on something that will never come...

Stolen from Vanessa

2004-09-06T22:34:20Z

if there is one person you cant stop thinking about, post this same exact sentence in your journal.

if that person is me, comment.

dazednkonfused @ 2004-09-06T03:27:00

2004-09-06T07:30:49Z

It's insane how bored I am. I got a nice little vegetation night which was fun. I had to kick Kyle out of my room once again. As hott as he is, it's quite annoying. Go me for the will power though. You don't have to read it because it's probably quite boring...I apoligize...it kept me busy for a little...

name = Nikki

piercing = One in each ear

tattoos = Want one

height= 5'3
shoe size = 8
siblings = Aaron, Moi, Colleen, Chellie, Ronnie, D, Terrie, Scott, Jay

[LAST...]
movie you watched = Moulin Rouge
movie you bought= What About Bob? Hott flick
song you listened to = Not Now
cd you bought = TBS
cd you listened to = Blink 182 right now

person you've called = Jenn
person that's called you = John
tv show you've watched = Powerpuff Girls

[DO...]
you have a crush on someone? Yup,
you wish you could live somewhere else = I'm happy enough here
you believe in online dating = Not for me
others find you attractive = I suppose
you want piercings? Yea
you like roller coasters = Who doesn't?
you write in cursive or print = Print

[FOR OR AGAINST...]
long distance relationship = Some guys might be worth it
gay/lesbian relationship = Go for it

[HAVE YOU...]
ever cried over a boy = A few, trying not to make that mistake again
ever cried over a girl = Friendships I suppose?

ever lied to someone= Who hasn't?

ever been in a fist fight = Hmmm, yea

[WHAT...]
shampoo do you use = Thermasilk heat activated
are you scared of = FISH!!!

[NUMBER...]
of times I have been in love?= Twice, still thinking about the third?
of hearts I have broken? = People tell me a lot.

of times my name has appeared in the paper? None that I know of
things in my past that I regret? = 2 recent things, before that I didn't regret

[DO YOU THINK YOU ARE...]
pretty =Sometime

hot = Depends...my boobs help
friendly = I try
amusing = I amuse myself, anyone who gets amused in the process is pure accident.

ugly = In the mornings haha
loveable = Not to those who matter
caring = Yea
sweet = I attempt

dorky = The queen of it

[FAVORITE...]
5 letter word: Vagin...a
Actor/actress: I'm watching Ewan McGregor right now and seriously contimplating humping the TV.

Cartoon: Blues Clues
Cereal: Fruity Pebbles

Chewing gum: Extra
Color(s): Green
day of the week: Thursday
Least fav. day: Monday

flower: Any, I'm a sucker for flowers...anything unique
Jelly flavor: Strawberry
Jewelry: The tons of friendship stuff of mine and Liz!...as well as a bracelet my neice Ireland made for me and our friendship mood rings from Walmart
Summer/Winter: Summer...I love it

[Person who last.. ]
Slept in your bed: Umm, noone has yet...Kyle laid in it?
Saw you cry: Jenn maybe? The last time I really remember crying was when me and Anthony broke up and that was in front of Kellianne
Made you cry: Joe Tran
Yelled at you: My mom for the 300 dollar phone bill...gotta love those drunken phone calls...heh
Sent you an email: Sparrow

[Have you ever.. ]
Said "I love you" and meant it?: Don't say it unless I do
Gone out in public in your pajamas: Went to class in them on Friday
Kept a secret from everyone: I try but certain people call me on it
Cried during a movie: Yea, I'm a movie buff
Planned your week based on the TV: Friends? Hello?
Been on stage: Yea quite a bit
Been to New York: Rent, I love you guys! Best trip ever. And I'm going in a few weeks with Pat, can't wait!
Been to California: I got hit on by a "Cali" guy...My response: As in fornia?
Hawaii: That be hot...with 2 t's
China: I think I would be scared to
Canada: I knew a Canadian once...named Sean Nejman...I hate you
Europe: That would be amazing
Asia: No
South America: I watched Evita today...Argentina's somewhere down there right?
Africa: I had an African guy ask me to be his American bride once so he could become president...true story
What time is it now? 2 am

[This or That? ]
Apples or bananas?: I'm allergic to apples and I hate bananas...but I LOVE peeling them
Blue or red?: Red accentuates your breasts...Red

Walmart or target?: Tar-get as the French call it
Spring or Autumn?: Autumn, I love the sound of leaves crunching under your feet
What are you gonna do after you finish this?: Watch tv and probably go to sleep

Was the last meal you ate?: Nachos with popcorn...thats at once...its yum try it

Are you bored?: SO much

Last noise you heard?: Phone ringing
Last smell you sniffed?: Popcorn, love that smell

[Friendship/Love ]
Do you believe in love at first sight?: Nope
Do you want children one day & if so, how many?: Maybe
Most important thing to you in a friendship is: Weirdness
[Other Info ]
Do you speak any other languages?: Sign language
Last book you read?: Wicked...still reading it
something in your bedroom you like?: My awesome collage of people I love!
[You]
Nickname(s): Nikki, Cole, Giggles, Big Boobs Magee
Initials: NRD yes NERD haha very funny
How old do you look?: I've gotten 23
How old do you act?: 5
Braces: Never

Do you have any pets?: Yessum my puppy Buster who I love and my pet rock Nigel...he died
You get embarrassed: Rarely, I don't give a shit

What makes you happy?: O my god, everything...I'm cracking up right now over a really gay joke
What upsets you?: Complicated people

[Finish the sentence: ]
I Love to... party harty
I Miss... Saved by the Bell
I'm Annoyed by..... Pat lol j/k
I Want to be....Naked in a pool of jell-o...oh da jell-o...i heart Bill Cosby

I Would Never... eat a panda bear
I Will Always be.... a kid

MORE QUESTIONS:
First real kiss: 8th grade...it sucked though
First job: GAP...how times have changed...

First screen name: DSmiles731...o dear
First self-purchased album: NSync, I guess?

First funeral: Grandpop

First pets: My puppy, PJ...we named him that cause we lost him for a day and found him in my Dads pajama pants
First piercing: Ears
First big trip: Texas when my parents split up
Last big car ride: The shore...I love you Liz!

Last kiss: 10 minutes ago
Last good cry: When I broke up with Anthony
Last movie seen: Moulin Rouge
Last beverage drank: Water right now
Last food consumed: Cookies...oreos...what what
Last phone call: I'm talking to Patrick Kelly as we type
Last TV show watched: Family Guy

Last shoes worn: Chucks
Last CD played: Get Up Kids
Last item bought: Books...they suck

Last disappointment: Boys

Last soda drank: Pepsi
Last ice cream eaten: Jack and Jill strawberry shortcake...sex for the mouth
Last shirt worn: My (yes...they're real) shirt...I get a lot of attention for that lol

The person who invented this survey should be subjected to a slow painful death. On that note, I love you all...

ELEPHANT SHOES

Another turning point

2004-09-05T21:29:30Z

Eventful enough weekend. The boys upstairs made the mistake of never seeing The Boondock Saints so I made them correct that mistake Friday night. We chilled in Matt and Mike's room and had a little movie fest. They were all amazed at the movie as they should be. Mike ended up calling his brother to tell him they were starting a war against evil together. It was a riot. Then I came in and hung out with Nicolle and her boyfriend Rell. Me and him took one of those walks and had some bonding time. Good stuff. Saturday was a pretty chill day but I ended up going to Mikes again later. I met this amazingly hott guy from England. I had yet to be suckered by any guy until last night. I was putty in his hands. Slightly unfortunately nothing happened, we just talked for awhile. God, english accents...I could have listened to him speak for hours. But hey, better propositions were opened. What can you do? As I was leaving, though, he said that he hoped he would see me around (in his sexy melting way). Hummina hummina...

Today, alas, I think I'm sick. I woke up feeling like poopy and have vegetated all day long. I got to talk to Jenn forever which is awesome because I was thinking last night about how much I needed one to talk to her. Shes the best. I want to clean and study a bit tonight but I know I'll probly end up at a party again...I'm not complaining. I think Rob and Alex are coming back so maybe I can hang out with them. But in the room next to them is some kid Kyle who hasn't stopped trying to get in my pants since day one. Lil creepy...he's still hott though. Anycrap, I'm going to attempt to crack a book. Cya kiddos.

ELEPHANT SHOES!

dazednkonfused @ 2004-09-03T12:16:00

2004-09-03T16:31:22Z

Last night was complete awesomeness (for lack of a college level vocabulary). I had a real meal for the first time since being here and it was delish! Rob decided he wanted his hair cut and somehow we ended up giving him a mohawk. He looks surprisingly good with it though. I'm usually not a fan but his and McCarthy's are the only ones I've actually thought looked good. Anyway, I threw a little shindig in my dorm with about 15 people crammed in here. It was pretty hopping though. Rob supplied some guitar and I supplied the porn we bought with Mr. Lamb and McCarthy. By the way guys, our Mammory Man is a huge hit up here at Dub C. After the pregame we headed over to Mike's. My gameplan was to keep myself lowkey. Refering to my last post, I'm not looking for anything random right now so I decided to play with their massive dog Magic for awhile. I guess this is some kind of turn on for guys because I got way more attention than intended. I was the "cool chick with the dog." And I kept calling guys on their gay pick-up lines which made me even more awesome because they realized I'm not a complete bimbo. It was so fun. Once we realized that we were all sloshed and had classes in a few hours, we started home. I had to drag drunken Kyle out of my room, which he apoligized for this morning, and Alex ended up crashing here because Rob and Lindsey were screwing in his room. We ate Easy Mac and watched What About Bob? If you haven't seen it, bye it. 5 bucks at Target bitches.

So to some it up, my very first Thirsty Thursday was a huge success. I can't wait for more to come... God bless college, God bless everyone!

That haunted moment

2004-09-02T05:51:19Z

My mind goes so slow sometimes and then I turn on some music and it goes crazy. Right now my thoughts are like racing through my head, it's insane. Tonight was a fun time. Birthday bash for my girl Jackie which was fun. Me, her, Ian, and Alex went for one of our "walks." I have to say it seemed to have a little tension between some people. Ever get that? That sense in your stomach that somethings just not right? I get that feeling a lot and I've been getting it lately with a lot of people. But I'm never wrong. As soon as I feel somethings wrong it usually is. Ask Jen. She knows.
I lose myself in your eyes.
Everyone has girlfriends here...what's up with that? People REALLY need to stop. I don't get relationships anymore?? I realized though something very...monumental. I absolutly despise random hook-ups now. I don't know why, but I really feel like I couldn't do that anymore. If I hook up with someone I want it to be something. I love those butterflies in your stomach and the whole anticipation of a kiss. It just drives you insane. Sometimes, when you meet someone and you just look at them and kinda get this sense that your going to kiss them at some point. Then from that point it's like a little game in your head anticipating when it will be. Nothing is more amazing than a long awaited kiss. I could live in that moment forever. Except when it turns out shitty, but it doesn't destroy that moment. Nothing can. So yea, this is my monumental moment. I'm really abstaining from random hook-ups. I just stopped seeing the point in them. Once you have that one kiss that means so much to you, you don't want the cheapness of some sloppy kiss from a random drunk kid.
Where are you?
I'm so gone. I just want to crawl in my bed but the tv is broken and I know I won't be able to sleep. A lot of thoughts running lately. My psycic lady told me so but I forget what she told me to do about them. Haha, she was awesome. Pirate adventures with Swan and Captain. She was a wise woman. She said I was worried about a lot of stuff, my imagination is crazy, and I needed to spend more "quality time with a boy I'm having problems with"...hmmm...that worked : /
And if this is what it takes, just to lie in my mistakes...This is to the boy who got into my head...